OIL

After reading in the New York Times of the proposed bailout of the “Big Three” auto manufacturers, I was confused as to what these companies needed the money for? One can sit down on any Sunday couch in America, and see that these giants of American ingenuity have created super mobiles that can climb up a rocky and steep incline without the slightest difficulty. Every day as I shuttle into work, up that steep slope, I am once again reminded of why I purchased this SUV in the first place. Who cares that I’m burning the blood of the earth at an unreasonable pace, these companies have afforded me the opportunity to go off-roading at my leisure. During one commercial, the phrase that was repeated was “speed and power,” and I remembered that I didn’t buy this automobile to get me from point A to point B, I want my car to score me touchdowns. This is exactly what these companies have given me, my very own all capable utility vehicle, with this modern masterpiece I can take over a small country, pull a load of logs to my friends who are building their own home, and most of all reach a top of speed of sixty miles per hour in 4.8 seconds. Car companies spend so much money telling me how powerful their cars are, that I assume that they must be selling at a lighting rate on a number of other continents, namely Europe, and Asia, where the people have been starved to death by higher emission standards, and smaller more dangerous vehicles. The people of Europe must be liberated from this modern day tyranny, a car that gets more than thirty miles to the gallon, is not only silly, it’s down right un-American. The companies need a bailout, so that I can be hit with another round of these fantastic infomercials about the promise that the country has made to burn every ounce of fuel that lies within the earth before those damn socialist Chinese thieves do. The thought of those grimy bastards getting their hands on my oil is maddening. That oil is a birthright to every American, all those born hereafter should be given a barrel of oil, and a .44 caliber pistol, so that you can shoot any son of a bitch who tries to take it from you. This is the American dream that our forefathers have given their lives to defend, and the “Big Three” are the grandfathers of that legacy, they are as or MORE American than other of our age old institutions. They gave us the Mustang, the Corvette, and the Explorer, we should give them our souls. If not now than when? The time to act is upon us, acid rain, wild fires, and grey skies are all waiting, and we should embrace the change in our ecological system that promises to choke us to death, and kill every one of us, so that like the dinosaurs we can go back into the Earth, for the ultimate sacrifice of making more oil. The future depends on it.